WHY LETTING GO OF PAIN IS ACTUALLY A GOOD THING

                           

Once I got my heart broken, my hopes and dreams were shattered in ways I could never had imagine.

I was never the typical lover girl or so I thought. When you want a player in a girl  I think you should ring my bell. No! Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t the cliché player or bitch most guys talk about when they get their heart broken, or when a female is brave enough to pay them back in their own coin, no I wasn’t that.

I was just that girl that wreak your emotions and makes you fall in love, over and over again  without even trying, I was the take home to mama, that girl that doesn’t crave too much for your attention, never complains, never demands and deep down you know might never be yours. I won’t commit myself neither will I detach myself, I was just being me, having fun and breaking hearts unapologetically

I had one philosophy “nothing last forever” so I live my life like everyone in it will pack their bags one day and leave, but while they are still there, make every seconds count. So I became a prince charming in a pretty skirt, but just like a prince I kept my distance made few acquaintance; made little friends.

Being the wild girl that I was, one day I prayed to the good lord. I said “Dear lord have been an heart breaker, I don’t even know how it feels to love someone so much that you will be scared of losing them, so please lord give me an heart break” and boom!! like the blast of an insurgent bomb the good lord answered my prayers. I fell in love….oh gosh I fell deep in love.

Now, my love story isn’t that of a clueless girl, that didn’t know when her knight in a shining armor swept her off her feet, hell no I knew! I was aware, I was conscious and I enjoyed every bit of it.

 I guess my undoing came from actually believing, my old self wouldn’t believe and that’s how I stayed untouched by situations that would have broken me long ago, I never believed so if it doesn’t work it doesn’t count.

However this time I believed, what made me believe still remained a mystery… maybe that what they call love. So I believed all the promises, and the painted future; the good part of it is I actually lived in the dreams we had. 

But sadly just like all love story ends, it was time to wake up from my slumber and awake I was to pains, confusion, tears and heart aches. Unique intriguing emotions I never ever thought I could feel.

 Now the thing is i have been hurting for so long that it doesn’t feel like me anymore. What I see in the mirror isn’t me anymore, I tried to be whole but the past seems too strong to get by. Am done with this pretty sad story of mine, I want to get hold of the future.

So I want the pains to go away, I want to be strong, brave and unattached as I used to be but not the way that I was. I want to love someone; I want to be vulnerable, to be taken care of by someone. I want to believe someone, make dreams with someone and actually live the realities. I want laughter that reaches my heart and eyes, I don’t want life to be just about me and how I perceived it, I want someone to fill the emptiness and void that I feel.

So you see, I don’t have a choice but to let pain go, I don’t have a choice but to cast pain into that endless abyss and make it return no more because I actually want to live life.